Author: Marc Brackett
_Marc Brackett_
Reading time: 19 minutes
Synopsis
“Dealing with Feeling” (2025) looks at why people find it hard to understand and control their emotions. This problem causes many difficulties in all parts of life. The book gives a simple plan to learn emotional skills. These are skills that schools and families often do not teach.
What’s in it for me? Learn how to control your feelings for better health and success.
Zuri sat in her car after a meeting. Her hands held the steering wheel tightly. She was trying not to show her anger. Her boss had asked about her project plan in front of other colleagues. Something inside Zuri broke. She quickly sent an angry email. Later, she would be sorry for it. By the time she got home, she had argued with her partner about nothing. She also cancelled plans for dinner.
One bad moment at work had ruined her job and her relationship.
Many of us are like Zuri. We let strong feelings we don’t understand make choices for us. We think we are choosing how to act. But feelings we never learned to know or manage are actually taking over.
This summary explains why some people live easily, while others always face problems. It shows why success in life is not about how much you studied or how smart you are. Instead, it depends on how well you handle your emotions. You will also learn what you can do about it now.
Blink 1 – What not understanding emotions costs you
Your body remembers every emotion you ignore. That pain in your shoulders is from the argument you did not speak about three days ago. You are tired, and sleep does not help. This is because you carry worry everywhere. The headache you get every Sunday night before work starts is not random. These are signs that you need to deal with your emotions.
Studies of thousands of people show that those who cannot understand and control their emotions pay a high price. They earn less money in their jobs. They find it hard to keep close relationships. They say they are less happy with life. They also feel more worried and sad. Their bodies get sick faster because of constant stress. What is most surprising is that their intelligence or work skills do not stop these problems.
For example, Zuri was very good at her job. She had two advanced degrees. She could solve problems that her whole team could not. But none of her training taught her what to do when she felt very frustrated in that meeting. She knew only two ways to act: hide her feelings or let them burst out.
Both choices caused her more problems than she knew. That day, her angry outburst damaged her relationship with her boss forever. She did not get the promotion she deserved six months later. A colleague got it instead. This colleague had fewer work skills but was not emotionally unstable. Hiding her feelings also hurt Zuri. She stopped speaking up in meetings because she feared another outburst. Her best ideas stayed hidden, while others spoke up.
Her friendships also suffered. Her closest friend shared happy news about a new job. Zuri felt a quick flash of jealousy. She could not name or deal with this feeling. So, she pulled away and avoided calls until the friendship ended. But her closest relationship paid the highest price. Zuri’s partner learned to be very careful around her. He never knew which Zuri would come home. Their close connection was replaced by distance. She wanted to be closer, but trying to be open felt like standing at the edge of a cliff.
Even her dreams were lost. Zuri had always wanted to start her own business. She had the skills and the contacts. But the fear of failing felt so strong. She could not tell the difference between the emotion and reality.
Zuri was not weak or broken. Like most of us, she was simply never given the tools. This is not her fault. Many people, families, and organizations have failed to teach these skills for a long time.
So, why did nobody teach her these skills? A better question is: Why do most of us become adults without knowing how to handle the emotions that shape our whole lives? The answer lies in seven big problems that affect almost everyone.
Blink 2 – The seven reasons we don’t regulate
Many people struggle to control their emotions. This causes many bad things to happen. It is hard to imagine why this problem goes unnoticed. But there are big reasons for this. These reasons make most of us blind to the problem.
First, we simply do not think emotions are important. We see them as problems to fix, not as information to understand. We praise people who stay calm under pressure. We criticize those who show their feelings. The message is clear: showing emotions is a weakness, not a sign of wisdom.
Second, many people do not see emotional control as a skill. We might think that managing emotions is something you either have or don’t, like being good at sports or music.
This is likely because, third, no one taught us at home. Your parents might have loved you very much. But if you came home upset as a child and they gave you ice cream and a distraction, you missed something. They might have meant well. Or they did what their own parents did. But giving comfort is not the same as teaching. Especially if you never learned what you were feeling, why it mattered, or what to do about it.
And, fourth, no one taught us at school, either. Schools measure how smart you are with tests and grades. But they never ask how we feel. They also do not teach us words to talk about our feelings. Schools act as if students are just brains, as if feelings have nothing to do with learning, success, or being happy.
Fifth, we like quick fixes instead of doing the deep work. For example, we scroll through social media when we feel worried. Or we complain to friends when we feel angry. But we do not take time to find out what the emotions are, what caused them, and how to deal with them.
We also treat only the signs, not the main causes. For example, we take medicine for headaches, trouble sleeping, and stomach problems. Doctors treat these problems separately. They rarely ask about the emotional patterns that cause them. Few people see the link between hidden feelings and a sick body.
Lastly, there is no real support for emotional control from big organizations. Workplaces offer help programs after people have a breakdown. But they do not offer training before a problem happens. Healthcare systems give pills for worry and sadness. But they rarely treat what causes these feelings. Society waits until emotions ruin lives before offering help. Even then, the help focuses on fixing problems, not on teaching skills for emotional control.
Blink 3 – Five skills that change everything
Emotional intelligence is not a mystery. You are not born with it. It comes down to five skills you can learn. They work together as a system. Their first letters spell RULER.
Recognizing emotions in yourself and others. Understanding what caused them and what they mean. Labeling them with the right words. Expressing them in ways that help, not harm. And regulating them so they guide your choices, instead of making choices for you.
The order of these skills is important. You cannot control an emotion you have not recognized. You cannot understand an emotion you have not named correctly. Each skill builds on the one before it. This is why people who try to control emotions right away with breathing exercises or positive thoughts often fail. They are trying to build the roof before building the walls.
Start with recognizing. Most people go through their days not connected to their feelings. This happens until something explodes or shuts down. Recognizing means checking in with yourself many times a day. For example, stop and notice how your body feels right now. Are your shoulders high? Is your breathing fast or deep? Your body knows what you are feeling before your mind does. These body signals are your first clue.
Next comes understanding. Once you notice you are feeling something, ask why. What happened in the last few minutes or hours that might have caused this feeling? Did someone ignore your idea? Did you see something on social media that made you compare yourself to others? Understanding helps you separate the cause from your reaction.
Labeling needs you to use more emotion words than just fine, good, bad, or stressed. The difference between feeling worried and feeling overwhelmed is huge. This is because they need different actions. Worry often needs information or planning. Overwhelm needs things to be simpler or for you to ask for help.
When you can name exactly what you feel, your brain changes from reacting to thinking. Studies show that putting feelings into words makes strong negative emotions less powerful. This happens by activating the part of your brain that thinks. Keep a list of emotion words on your phone or desk. When you notice a feeling, look through the list and find the words that fit best.
Expression is where most people go wrong. We either hide our feelings completely or let them burst out without thinking. Healthy expression means sharing your emotions in ways that build connections and solve problems. It does not mean creating more problems. The key to good expression is to separate the emotion from blaming someone. Notice the difference between saying “I feel disrespected,” and “You disrespected me.” The first is about how you feel inside. The second is an accusation that will make others defensive. Your emotions are always real as inner experiences. But how you express them decides if they help or hurt your relationships.
Regulation is the last skill. It is the one everyone wants to learn first. But regulation only works when it is built on the other four skills. Once you have recognized what you feel, understood why you feel it, named it precisely, and expressed it well, regulation becomes simple.
Blink 4 – Putting it into practice
Just knowing how to control emotions will not help if you don’t practice. But you can start building these skills into your life today.
To practice recognizing, set three alarms on your phone during the day. When an alarm goes off, stop and do a 30-second body scan. Sit comfortably. Move your mind from the top of your head down to your feet. Notice everything: tension or tightness in your chest, butterflies in your stomach, or restlessness in your legs. Write down what you notice in two words or less. For example: Tense shoulders. Racing heart. Calm breath. The goal is not to change anything; just notice what is there.
To understand more, keep a simple record for a few days. Every time you notice a strong emotion, write down three things: what you were doing just before it started, who you were with or thinking about, and what thought crossed your mind. Patterns will appear quickly. You might find that you feel worried every time you open your work email. Or you feel annoyed every time a colleague speaks in meetings. Understanding what causes your feelings gives you back power. You can prepare for these situations or avoid them completely.
To build your labeling skills, learn three new emotion words each week. Go beyond the common words. Instead of sad, try words like discouraged, gloomy, heartbroken, or thoughtful. Instead of angry, try irritated, furious, or upset. The more exact your words, the better you can deal with what you need.
For expression, practice this sentence structure until it feels natural: I feel blank, because blank, and I need blank. Fill in the blanks with specific details. For example, “I feel frustrated because this deadline changed three times, and I need us to agree on one date so I can plan my work.” Or, “I feel hurt because you didn’t notice my effort, and I need you to recognize my work next time.” Notice how this way of speaking shows you own your emotion. It also makes a clear request that the other person can actually act on.
Practice expressing positive emotions too. “I feel grateful because you stayed late to help me finish that report, and I want you to know it made a real difference.” Showing positive emotions strengthens relationships just as much as dealing with negative ones.
For regulation, use the six-second pause before you react to any strong emotion. Count slowly in your head: one one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, four one thousand, five one thousand, six one thousand. In those six seconds, quickly go through the first four skills. What do I feel? Why do I feel it? What is the exact name for this feeling? How would my best self express this? Then choose your reaction from that clear place, instead of from the raw emotion.
Blink 5 – Making emotional intelligence important again
Imagine a world where learning emotional skills is as important as learning to read or do math. Where recognizing and controlling emotions are taught along with science and history. This world already exists, but only in a few places. It can become a new reality for everyone.
In one classroom where emotions matter, students arrive each morning. They move their photo to one of three colored zones on the wall. Green means they feel pleasant feelings like energetic or happy. Yellow is for unpleasant or low-energy feelings like tired or disappointed. Red means they are having strong unpleasant feelings like angry or worried.
Today, Marcus quietly puts his photo in the red zone. His classmates notice. The teacher asks if he wants to share how he feels. Marcus says his dog is sick and might die. He feels scared and sad. Another student shows understanding. She says she felt the same way when her kitten was sick last year. A second student asks if Marcus can do anything to feel better. Marcus is not alone with his feelings. He is supported, understood, and offered ways to deal with his real feelings.
In a workplace where emotions matter, a project might fail at the last minute because of a supplier’s mistake. The team might have a meeting. The manager starts by showing emotional recognition. He speaks about the frustration, disappointment, and worry they feel about the situation. This honesty makes people feel safe. Now team members can recognize, understand, name, and express their own feelings. Then they work together to find solutions.
In relationships where emotions matter, a couple arguing might first each recognize what they feel. One partner might feel worried and need closeness to feel safe. The other partner might feel overwhelmed and need space to think clearly. They name these emotions and express them without blame. They understand that both needs are real.
So they make an agreement: when they argue, they will take 30 minutes apart. Then they will come back together. The time apart helps the second partner control his feelings. The promise to connect again helps the first partner feel safe. Their arguing pattern stops. This is not because their needs changed. It is because they learned to recognize and express them clearly.
This is what becomes possible when people learn emotional skills. Not perfect situations. Not the absence of problems. But having tools that turn emotional challenges into chances for connection, growth, and deeper understanding.
These skills do not remove hard feelings. They change how we move through them. They change emotions from something that controls us or makes us weak, into a useful tool for self-knowledge, understanding, and connection.
Final summary
In this summary of “Dealing with Feelings” by Marc Brackett, you have learned that success in all parts of life depends less on how smart you are or how hard you work. Instead, it depends more on your skills for handling emotions. But seven big problems have left most of us without these skills.
The RULER method gives us what we missed: recognizing feelings through body scans, understanding them by tracking patterns, naming them with more words, expressing them through clear talks, and controlling them with a six-second pause. These practices change how you deal with problems, build relationships, and work towards goals.
Your feelings are not roadblocks. They are important information that shows you the way forward.
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Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/en/books/dealing-with-feeling-en