Author: Paul Tough
_Paul Tough_
Reading time: 21 minutes
Synopsis
In Die Chancen unserer Kinder (2013), studies explain why some children find school and later life harder. Other children grow and do well without problems. The book looks at why success is not only about intelligence. It is mostly about character traits like determination and optimism. It also shows how children can be helped to develop these traits.
What you will learn: How your character and career success are linked.
For some time, parents have been buying many “educational” toys. These toys promise to make children smarter so they can become successful. Parents all over the world follow this trend. They spend a lot of money on these items. They hope a periodic table wallpaper might be the key. They believe it could help their baby win a Nobel Prize in Chemistry in the future.
These summaries (blinks) of Die Chancen unserer Kinder explain the science behind this way of thinking. They also look at many other things that are just as important for a child’s development as their IQ.
In these blinks, you will also learn:
- how parents can help their children deal with very bad childhood experiences,
- why it is better to teach a child to be patient and responsible than to show them a children’s Einstein video, and
- why it is a bad idea to protect children from every small mistake.
Blink 1 – Bad childhood experiences can cause lasting harm to body and mind.
Did you have a childhood without worries? Was life always like a joyful ride on a pony or in a flower field? Or did you have upsetting events that still affect you today? Most parents want a happy and safe childhood for their children. But sometimes bad events, like a parent dying, cannot be stopped.
The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study uses a survey. It counts how many traumatic events someone had as a child. These can be physical or emotional abuse. They can also be emotional neglect or family problems, such as parents getting divorced or crime in the family.
So, a high ACE score means a very difficult childhood. It is linked to problems with behavior later on. These children find it harder to learn at school. They also struggle to deal with sadness or being teased.
Also, teenagers with a very difficult childhood are more likely to commit crimes. A study in a US youth prison showed this. 84% of the young people there had at least two serious traumas in their childhood. Some had even six.
However, a high ACE score can also show effects only in adulthood. This affects both the body and the mind. For example, these people are much more often addicted to alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes.
Even without bad habits, people with childhood traumas have more health problems. Studies show that a high ACE score increases the chance of heart diseases and long-term illnesses.
So, we see: A difficult childhood can cause big, long-term harm to the body and mind.
Blink 2 – Stress affects children very much.
We now know that many mind and body problems come from serious events in childhood. But why do children handle stress so badly?
Let’s look at how the body works. When we are in a dangerous situation, our body reacts with stress. Three parts of our body become active. Together, they form what is called the HPA axis: Hypothalamus, Pituitary Gland, and Adrenal Cortex. These parts release certain hormones into our blood. These hormones then cause the usual stress reactions: a faster heartbeat, sweating, and a nervous feeling in the stomach.
From an evolutionary point of view, stress is very important and necessary for survival. More adrenaline helps us react faster. It helps us escape danger quickly.
But constant high stress is bad for us. Our stress hormone system is made for short-term stress. It is not good for the long-term stress we have today. Hard social relationships, money worries, and too much work keep this system busy all the time. This makes us sick.
Especially for children and teenagers, long-term stress harms a key part of the brain. This part is called the prefrontal cortex, and it controls impulses. So, it becomes harder for them to control their urges and impulses.
This problem becomes clear during puberty. New and strong needs grow at this time. Young people must control these needs themselves. Skipping school, drunk driving, or unprotected sex are things that teenagers must deal with responsibly. They can have serious effects on their lives. If long-term stress in childhood harms impulse control, these teenagers may fail at school, commit crimes, or become young parents.
Blink 3 – Parents can lower the effects of stress on their children.
Of course, you cannot always protect your children from all stress. Luckily, there is a simple way to make the bad effects of stress weaker.
Care and attention are key ideas parents should focus on in raising their children. This helps to lower a child’s stress level.
Studies show that care from a loving mother can make up for body stress factors. This is true even if the child grows up in a very stressful home.
When parents give their children a feeling of safety and enough attention, they create a secure attachment. This is a strong bond between parents and child. With this bond, parents give their child a safe place. The child can return there after any storm in the outside world.
Children who grow up with this secure bond are usually braver and more independent. This is unlike children with careless parents who do not give them this feeling of safety. The effect of a secure bond lasts a long time. Children with such a bond often do better at school. They are also better at social skills, meaning they have more friends and a larger social group.
But how can you give your children this safety if your own childhood was not easy? Therapy and parent support can often help build a secure bond with your child. A study shows that parent-child psychotherapy can help in such situations. In this therapy, the traumas of both parents and child are worked through at the same time. This helps them build a better relationship and a secure bond.
If you can protect your child from the bad effects of stress, you can help them have a successful future. But what exactly helps people succeed?
Blink 4 – To have a good chance, you need more than a high IQ.
Parents often wonder how to help their child have a successful life. How can they best support them? Which school is right? But what can parents really do? To answer this, we first need to see what real success depends on.
Until recently, people strongly believed in the cognitive hypothesis to explain children’s success later in life. This idea is based on two beliefs:
- A child’s cognitive skills – like being good at math or easily recognizing words and numbers – strongly predict future success.
- These cognitive skills are best built by practicing them from a young age.
This idea led to many educational products for very young children becoming popular. For example, Einstein videos or classical music for babies.
Studies have proven these ideas. They showed that a child’s cognitive skills are indeed linked to their future success.
But there’s a big “but.” There is also proof that non-cognitive skills, like character traits, are just as important for a successful life. These include optimism, being careful, curiosity, or self-discipline.
For example, one study found that high school graduates do better in many parts of life than those who drop out. This is not because they are smarter. It is simply because they have the patience to finish school. Character traits also help these young people avoid being unemployed or addicted to drugs.
Another study showed something interesting. Children who went to a top preschool program had more knowledge than other children for a short time. But this advantage disappeared over the years. Yet, they were still more successful later. Why?
What these children truly gained from the program was strong character. They learned curiosity and self-control from a very young age. This helped them even when they were forty years old.
Blink 5 – Traits like perseverance and self-discipline prepare children for success.
When we talk about success, three non-cognitive skills are very important: perseverance, conscientiousness, and self-discipline. To understand why these character traits matter, let’s look at some research about children and their chances of success as adults.
Successful people know how to fully commit to a goal. They use all their energy for it. But they need to learn perseverance and grit as children. Surveys showed that very persistent and determined students often turn bad test scores at the start of university into good grades later.
The ability to do a task with all your effort and best ambition can help in all areas of life. Work and organizational psychologists have found something. Learning to be conscientious early on is the best way to become a productive employee.
In 1979, a study of 12,000 high school students showed something. Being willing to do very boring tasks was a major factor for future money success. This conscientiousness was actually more important than IQ.
Self-discipline is also more important than just intelligence. In the famous Marshmallow Experiment from the 1960s, psychologist Walter Mischel learned how important self-control is. In his test, he left four-year-olds alone in a room with a tasty marshmallow. He promised them a second marshmallow if they could wait 15 minutes without eating the first one.
Years later, it was found that the children who waited patiently for the second marshmallow, showing self-discipline, were much more successful in life. This was true compared to children who ate the first marshmallow. For example, they got much better scores on the Scholastic Assessment Test – a standard test for university applications in the US. They also had fewer health and money problems, and they did not have trouble with the law.
Blink 6 – Not only children from poor families suffer from bad parenting.
You might think rich families can give their children everything. They should be able to grow up without problems and develop all important skills for success. But it’s not that simple. Children of rich parents have different character problems.
Rich parents often harm their children with pressure to perform. They often want their children to be like robots at school, always best in class. They also want them to be top in sports. They expect them to become successful lawyers or company leaders, just like themselves. Because of this, these parents often create a big emotional distance from their children. They treat them like adults and cause fears of failure, deep shame, and hopelessness.
Bad effects of such parenting often include more alcohol, cigarette, and drug abuse later on. Studies show that these children are more likely than children from poorer families to use substances to feel better. They also tend to suffer from depression and anxiety.
Another mistake rich parents often make is called ‘helicopter parenting’. Like a helicopter, these very caring parents hover over their children all the time. They try to protect them from all daily dangers. Every day, they lay out clothes for the next morning. They pack lunch boxes with only healthy food into school bags themselves. They even watch out the window for at least a minute to make sure their little ones don’t stray from the right path to school.
This over-care is well-meant. It aims to protect children from bad luck and mistakes. But here is the problem: Children who are always cared for cannot deal with difficult situations alone. And everyone faces such situations eventually, especially as adults.
These children develop a big fear of making mistakes. Instead of building a career, they often choose jobs where there is little risk of error.
A study of Princeton graduates showed something. Most of those from rich families did not become entrepreneurs or artists. Half chose safe jobs, like investment banking or consulting.
Blink 7 – You can also learn strong character in the classroom.
In the 1990s, the US education system started to change. Many schools added character education to their main subjects. The goals were good and hopeful, but they did not help students much then. The reason was: The programs mostly taught ethical values like honesty and respect. But these ideas were too unclear and vague to be useful for children’s future lives.
One such program was tested at a well-known high school in New York for low-income families. High-quality teaching was combined with character education there.
Even with good teaching, the character education program failed. At least, it did not lead to career success for the students. Most students finished high school, but only 21% went to university later. So, a new approach was needed.
To make the character program better, psychologist Martin Seligman made a list. It had seven character traits that help with success and could be taught in class. These included being able to control feelings and actions, and having a positive view of life.
Based on these seven traits, the New York school created a new program. They used ‘message saturation’ to promote these character traits a lot. Children wore T-shirts with the slogan “Character strong without limits.” Posters on the walls had sayings like “Do you have self-control?” or “I take part actively!”
Students were now judged not only on their grades. They were also judged on how they developed these seven character traits.
The full success of this plan cannot be known yet. But the results so far look good. The school has since sent twice as many students to college.
Blink 8 – Dealing with mistakes well is important for building good character.
Intermediate School 318 (IS 318) in New York has an unusual name. But it also has amazing achievements. It is a normal public school in a poorer area. Yet, it produces the best young chess players in the country. How does it do this?
The surprising answer is a special “mistake culture.” The school encourages its students to face their mistakes directly. This helps them learn from them.
Elizabeth Spiegel runs the chess program at IS 318. She carefully studies every move her students make. She praises good moves. But most importantly, she points out wrong moves. She explains how to make them better. She also teaches students to see their mistakes differently: “Losing is what you do, not what you are.” This is important because mistakes can feel heavy for a child. They need to understand that mistakes are a part of life and learning.
But mistakes happen not only in games but also in real life. How someone deals with their mistakes is very important for their overall growth.
Martin Seligman found that pessimistic people often explain their mistakes using the three Ps. A mistake happens because of personal, pervasive, and permanent reasons. Optimistic people, however, see their failures as due to impersonal, specific, and temporary reasons.
As a pessimist, you might say you are not lovable and never will be if your romantic attempts fail. As an optimist, you would think your pick-up line wasn’t good. Or maybe the person was in a bad mood. You would believe it would likely have gone better another day.
Not only mistake management, but also the right amount of optimism can be taught, as at the New York school. In a good character development program, children learn to face their mistakes to learn from them. They also learn that mistakes do not define who they are.
Summary
Parents can do a lot to help their children succeed. They can lessen the bad effects of stressful situations. They can teach them character traits like determination, optimism, and self-discipline. These traits prepare them for later life. A key to a successful life is knowing how to handle mistakes and learning from them. This behavior can be taught at home and at school.
What you can do:
Encourage a brave attitude towards mistakes. If a child near you makes a mistake, encourage them to face it and learn from it. What can they do better next time? Make sure they don’t blame themselves too much for failing.
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/die-chancen-unserer-kinder-de