Author: Brené Brown
_Brené Brown_
Reading time: 28 minutes
Synopsis
These Blinks for Verletzlichkeit macht stark (2012) explain how shame badly affects our lives. They also show how we can deal with it. If we accept our own vulnerability and open up, we stop ourselves from hiding away due to shame. These Blinks give useful advice. They show how being vulnerable in new ways can help us in different parts of our lives. Everyone can benefit from it.
What’s in it for you: Show Vulnerability and Overcome Shame.
We can all remember times when we felt so ashamed, we wished we could disappear. When we feel shame, many bad feelings and doubts fill our minds. That’s why these moments stay with us. The good news is: feeling shame is normal; everyone feels it. The bad news is: this feeling has a strong power to harm. It can affect our lives more deeply than we think.
But shame has an unexpected opposite: vulnerability. People often see vulnerability as a weakness. Yet, it gives us the tools we need to remove shame and its bad effects from our lives. It helps us find ourselves, feel more motivated, and be happier.
These Blinks for Verletzlichkeit macht stark will explain where shame comes from. They will show why vulnerability is a better choice. You will learn how to use this new vulnerability in your work and personal life. This happens when you let go of shame.
In these Blinks, you will learn,
- why showing weakness can sometimes mean strength,
- about the bad sides of social networks, and
- why bosses should show their vulnerable side more often.
Blink 1 – Feeling Shame Is Human – But It Still Hurts Us.
Everyone has felt shame at some point. We know that shame is linked to what others think of us. It also relates to how we see ourselves. But there is much more to it. Shame is connected to a basic human need: the need for relationships, love, and belonging.
We are social beings. Being with others is vital for us. For our ancient ancestors, being part of a group was everything. If you belonged, you could expect help and protection from dangers. But if we are cut off from others, we suffer. Brain scientists have shown that chemicals in our brain make this pain even stronger.
This is where shame comes in. When we feel we are not worthy of our social needs, we start to feel shame. We think who we are, or what we do, is not enough for love and relationships. We feel we don’t “deserve” them. This view of ourselves happens when we stop believing we have a basic, unconditional worth as a person. Instead, we measure our worth by certain things we must achieve.
A good example of how self-worth and shame are linked is when we show something we made to others. For instance, a text we wrote or a picture we painted. When we create something, we often link our self-worth to its value, without realizing it. So, we take any criticism of it personally. We cannot separate our self-worth from our creation. This makes us fear criticism and rejection. If we face this rejection, we feel shame.
Shame is a very harmful feeling. Because we fear shame, we often avoid trying new things. This makes us withdraw more and more. We are afraid of being criticized and then feeling ashamed. So, we prefer to hold back and watch others’ exciting lives from a safe distance.
The author’s studies showed that shame also makes us stop believing we can improve ourselves and our work. Scientists agree: shame has a bad and damaging effect on our lives. It has no known good effects.
Feeling shame now and then is natural. But it is not normal for this feeling to have spread so widely in our society. How did this happen?
Blink 2 – A Culture of Constant Comparison Lowers Our Self-Worth Even More.
Social media offers endless ways for people to feel envy. On our online profiles, we gladly show off our best holiday photos, many Facebook friends, and latest career successes. Everyone can follow our lives and envy our adventures. But if we change our view, this quickly turns into a feeling of not having enough. For example, when we see others’ helicopter rides or cool new loft apartments, we often think our lives are boring and plain in comparison.
We live in a world with endless possibilities. This means we constantly fear not being or doing enough. Mass media makes this worse by always showing us bad news. We hear about failures, crimes, natural disasters, and terror attacks. Because of this, we believe that even the little we have achieved is not safe. Instead of properly understanding these events – that they are very unlikely to happen to us, like winning the lottery – we unconsciously fear bad luck and not having enough.
We try to fight the fear of not having enough by wanting more and more. This idea says that having many things and successes will protect us from bad luck. But this is just an illusion. Still, we see this behavior everywhere in our society: in families, at work, and in schools.
This culture of always wanting more creates a bad cycle. It leads to constant social comparison, shame, and hiding away. We tend to compare ourselves with others. Often, we compare ourselves with people who set standards that are impossible to reach. Think of Hollywood stars, models, or millionaires. Or even how we remember ourselves years ago, looking perfect but far from reality. These comparisons make it impossible for us to feel as good, or better, than others. If our goal is to look like an underwear model, we shouldn’t even start a fitness program. We will never get there anyway.
This then makes us feel shame. We believe we are not good enough and not worthy of relationships. We cut ourselves off and stop trying to improve. This is because we feel we can never be good enough.
This way of thinking is very destructive. It leaves us feeling worthless. But can we break free from this cycle?
Blink 3 – Vulnerability Is Not Weakness; It Is the Core of All Feelings.
Most people would not see vulnerability as a good thing. For us, it is linked to failure, weakness, and disappointment. We have learned that success and strength are more important than being in touch with our feelings. But if we truly look at what vulnerability is, we will find new ideas.
But what does it truly mean to be vulnerable? First, vulnerability is neither good nor bad. It mainly means feeling something at all. Someone who feels deeply will naturally open up to others and become vulnerable. This happens with fear or sadness. But our good feelings like love, joy, empathy, and creativity also come from vulnerability.
Because of this, the author defines it as: Vulnerability means uncertainty, risk, and showing your emotions. For example, if we love someone, we can never be fully sure they will love us back. So, we put ourselves in a state of emotional openness. To love means to be vulnerable. The same is true for any other feeling we express openly.
In the end, being vulnerable is a sign of courage, not weakness. We take a risk – the risk of being criticized or rejected. We do not give up just because failure might happen. This takes real strength. For instance, the author herself felt very nervous when she had to present her research in public. But she did not shy away. This shows the courage to accept her own vulnerability, not weakness.
We need to understand that all our positive feelings come from being vulnerable. So, if we want love and good relationships, we must accept our vulnerability. Once we do this, we can benefit greatly in both our personal and work lives.
Blink 4 – Vulnerability Makes Our Relationships Better, With Others and Ourselves.
So, we often see vulnerability as a bad thing that we must fight. But this is not possible, nor is it needed. If we learn to handle vulnerability well, it helps us in all parts of our lives.
Opening up emotionally, sharing our feelings and thoughts, and being empathetic helps us build strong bonds with others. For example, if we admit to friends that a horror movie scared us more than we let on, or tell our partner how sad we are about a pet’s death. They usually respond with kindness and also open up more themselves.
This win-win situation also applies to other areas of life. We can work on ourselves and get better by taking risks. We should dare to share our ideas openly. This is true even if others might criticize them. If we only do what we are already good at, we won’t fail. But we also lose the chance to have new experiences and grow. Someone who does not fail also cannot learn anything new.
However, if we do not accept our vulnerability, it can lead to bad results. One study, for example, showed that people who thought advertising had no effect on them were actually the most easily influenced. This means we become more open to something if we are not aware of our own weaknesses. Simply put: the more we deny our vulnerability, the more vulnerable we become.
We cannot fight against it, and we don’t need to. When used well, for example in social settings, vulnerability helps us more than it harms us. This is different from shame, which appears when we try to fight our vulnerability. To accept vulnerability, we must first let go of shame.
Blink 5 – If We Talk Openly About Our Shame, It Loses Its Harmful Power.
“Oh no, how embarrassing!” We all know those times when we wish we could disappear. We want to avoid judging looks and hidden laughter. But often, the feeling of shame itself is worse than what we are ashamed of. So, how can we avoid this shame reflex?
Shame gets its power over us from being unspoken. The less we talk about our shame, the more control it has over our lives. To feel shame, we don’t even need others’ reactions. Most times, we are our own harshest critics. For example, sometimes long before a presentation, we imagine what colleagues will say about our slide design. We might not have had time to make it better. These thoughts take away our drive. They stop us from presenting our work happily and confidently.
However, if we face our shame on purpose, we become kinder to ourselves. We will not be easily upset by things that might seem shameful. The answer to being stronger against feelings of shame is simple: we must talk about it. The more we speak about our shame, the less it will affect us. Others can understand our feelings better if we talk openly. In our presentation, for example, we can address possible criticism about the slides. We can say we know the design isn’t perfect and we don’t like it. But we focused on the content because we had little time. We hope our colleagues will do the same.
We all know the relief we feel when we open up to others. They often react with understanding and empathy. So, we beat shame fastest by talking about it openly. But this is only the first step towards accepting our own vulnerability.
Blink 6 – We Only Find Happiness When We Show Our Vulnerability.
It is common to want more and to always improve ourselves. This comes from society’s constant competition. But it also comes from a hope to protect ourselves from pain and disappointment through success, money, and popularity. We want to stop being vulnerable. Yet, in truth, we cannot overcome vulnerability. We can only hide it from others and from ourselves.
We trick ourselves into thinking we are ready for anything bad and won’t get hurt. For example, perfectionism is one such behavior. We work constantly to make everything perfect. This is to avoid any chance of failing. But this puts us under more and more pressure. Feeling happy with ourselves and our achievements remains a goal we cannot reach. Over time, this makes us ill. It can lead to serious crises, burnout, or trying to numb vulnerability with alcohol or drugs.
But if we let go of our fear of never being enough, we understand that who we are is enough. Then we can take off the masks that hide our vulnerability. We can finally be open to criticism, without taking it personally. Instead of always trying to make everything perfect, we are now ready to show where we need help. We can benefit from helpful criticism we receive. Once we use this criticism, positive feedback helps us finally be happy with ourselves. We can also be proud of what we have done.
Knowing that criticism or failure does not make us less worthy, we can fully accept our vulnerability. We no longer need masks to hide ourselves and our feelings. We know these masks hurt us more than they help. Once we remove them, we see more clearly who we are. We can then show this more openly to others.
Blink 7 – Shame Is Very Harmful in Work and Education.
Our society is obsessed with success and achievement. Employees must hit sales targets to get bonuses. Some teachers read out all students’ grades after a test. Universities offer Master’s places only to the best Bachelor’s graduates. Those who cannot keep up must fight with their shame. Funny enough, this feeling then makes us perform even worse.
First, shame leads to withdrawing from others. If we have to work or learn in a place where shame is used to control people, we eventually cannot give our full attention to our work. We block out our surroundings. If we often feel ashamed at work, we probably won’t be as motivated as we could be. We might even leave that work environment eventually.
This kind of withdrawal greatly threatens creativity, new ideas, and learning success. So, shame harms any type of work or learning place. When we work on a project, whether at school, university, or work, we must be fully involved. This helps us come up with creative ideas or new solutions. Lack of interest and being slow – common signs of withdrawal – stop us from doing well. They block our chances to learn new things and gain useful experience.
But no place for learning or work can succeed without creativity, new ideas, and successful learning. Schools are naturally linked to creativity. Our education system should teach us to think for ourselves, ask questions, find answers, and develop ideas. In short, to be creative. In business, new ideas are also key for companies. Whether it’s about making new products or improving old ones for a changing market, a company would fail without such new ideas.
It is clear that shame causes great harm in our companies, universities, and schools. Those in charge must work to remove the culture of shame from their areas. They must stop it from growing.
Blink 8 – Those in Charge Should Accept Vulnerability and Stop Shame-Based Cultures.
To change how people behave in society, the first step must always come from the smallest part: the individual. This means influential employees, teachers, or parents. Everyone can help make vulnerability a tool against shame in our society.
Almost every workplace and school shows signs of a shame culture. For example, offices might publicly compare success rates. The author mentions a case where people with low rates had to move to another department due to shame.
A culture of self-worth and openly accepting vulnerability can work well against a shame-based culture. This starts in our personal lives. If we learn to use vulnerability well in our private life, soon nothing will stop us from doing the same at work.
To make big changes, especially in the world of work, people with power and responsibility are needed. They must bring vulnerability into companies and institutions. This will make education and work more human again.
If we are in such a position, we probably have more chances than our employees to truly shape behavior in our environment. It is best for the whole company to fight shame at all levels. We should replace shame with vulnerability and emotional openness. When a high-ranking person opens up, it creates a very different feeling. Vulnerability is then not seen as bad. Instead, it is used on purpose to make the work environment better.
Work, school, university – shame and withdrawal can cause harm everywhere. But a culture of self-worth and vulnerability can also be built everywhere to fight this harm. Most importantly, we should not forget one of the smallest units of our society: families. When we talk about vulnerability, we must also focus on raising children.
Blink 9 – For Children to Grow Up Without Shame and With Self-Worth, We Should Show Them Vulnerability.
We all want the best for our children. If we wish them to have a full life, rich in relationships, we must teach them about self-worth and vulnerability.
Shame can be a trauma for children. If we have shaming experiences when we are young, this can affect not only our childhood but our whole life. Each of us can remember such an event from our childhood. We can likely feel as if we are still in that moment. This clearly shows it was a traumatic experience.
The opposite of shame – the feeling of being worthy – comes from love and belonging. The family, where unconditional love and belonging should be strongest, should be the place where we can truly be ourselves. If we want to give our children strong self-worth, we should let them know they are wonderful just as they are. Our home should be a shame-free place for them. They will find it easier to love themselves if their families love them.
Therefore, we must teach our children to be strong against shame. We do this by showing them how, and by not withdrawing ourselves. A good environment for raising children happens only if we lead by example. We should not just preach values that we cannot or will not follow ourselves. As parents, it is our job to create a place for our children where they don’t have to feel shame. They should feel safe to show their vulnerability. But if we don’t recognize our own worth, our children won’t be able to see their worth either.
The rules for good parenting – showing effort and creating a culture of self-worth – are only part of the solution. We must also learn to love ourselves so that others can love us too. And when we are vulnerable, we create connections with others. If we live by these rules every day, we and everyone around us will benefit. We can then live a life with deeper relationships, more motivation, and more valuable vulnerability.
Summary
The main message of this book is:
We must learn to love ourselves fully and not base our self-worth on success or actions. This way, criticism and failure cannot harm us. We will dare to show vulnerability and open up emotionally to others. This sets the stage for deeper relationships and positive changes in our personal and work lives.
Here’s what you can do:
Learn to separate success from self-worth.
Stop linking your self-worth to what you have achieved. It is okay to fail. Who you are – not what you do – makes you worthy of love and value.
Show your vulnerability.
Don’t try to hide your vulnerability behind bad habits like perfectionism or drinking too much. If you’re not sure whether to be vulnerable in a situation, just flip it: Would you want others to open up? Then why shouldn’t you?
Focus on what truly matters.
If criticism or failure upsets you too much, and you can’t let it go, just remember what and who is really important to you. Everything else should not defeat you. Instead, use it as a stepping stone. You can always see failure as part of learning.
Did this help you?
We work hard to present the main ideas of books so you can learn a lot. At least six people edit and check each Blink. We welcome your feedback at [email protected].
For further reading: Shame by Jennifer Jacquet
In Shame, Jennifer Jacquet looks at a feeling we all know but rarely think about. She shows how shame has important social uses. She also explains how we can use it to make our world a better place.
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/verletzlichkeit-macht-stark-de