Author: Jonathan Haidt
Jonathan Haidt
Reading time: 23 minutes
Synopsis
What is happiness and how do we find it? Jonathan Haidt answers this question with practical ideas, not with deep philosophy. These summaries (Blinks) of The Happiness Hypothesis (2009) use years of research to help us every day. They explain how to stop arguments about washing dishes. They tell us what to do when positive thinking does not help. And they show what our happiness has to do with elephants.
What’s inside for you: Learn how to be happier.
There are many self-help books about happiness. So why read this one? Because the author knows a lot! Jonathan Haidt is a well-known Professor of Social Psychology. He has a lot of knowledge.
He explains how most problems and fights that make us unhappy start. He also shows the best ways to deal with them. He gives clear examples and advice. These show what each of us can do to be happier. He never talks about strange or impossible ideas. His suggestions are always practical. You can use them without changing your whole life.
In these summaries, we have gathered his main ideas. You will learn a lot about how people live together in society. You will also learn where many behaviors and ways of thinking come from. Finally, you will find out why you always seem to do all the housework!
You will also learn:
- how your genes affect your happiness,
- what your ‘inner elephant’ wants, and
- why being religious can make you happy.
Blink 1 – The human mind has two parts.
Why is it easier to make a good plan than to stick to it? It’s simple: our mind has two parts. You can think of it like a wise rider on a wild elephant. The rider might decide to exercise more from now on. But the elephant just walks past the gym to the nearest fast-food restaurant.
The two parts of your mind are often in a fight. You cannot always make one part do what the other wants. Your heartbeat is a good example. It beats as fast as the inner elephant runs, not as fast as the wise rider wants.
Your brain structure also shows this fight between the two parts. Older parts, like the limbic system, control basic needs such as hunger or sex. Newer parts, like the neocortex, are for reason. With these newer parts, we can control the older ones. But we cannot always do it.
You can clearly see this when people have damage to their neocortex. The older brain parts are no longer controlled by the newer ones. So, these people cannot control their urges. If they are tired, they fall asleep anywhere. If they are hungry, they must eat right away.
The wise rider uses language to make plans for the future. The elephant is in charge of emotions and instincts. But most of the time, we let the inner elephant decide what to do. It acts almost automatically. For example, it makes us choose frozen pizza over fresh vegetables at the supermarket.
Blink 2 – Genes play a big role in your happiness.
How happy a person is depends on two things: their genes and their way of thinking.
The genes you get at birth are more important for happiness than you might think. For example, studies show that children with more activity in the left side of their brain are happier their whole lives. They are happier than children with more activity in the right side. Research shows that genes decide 50–80% of a person’s normal happiness level.
You cannot change your genes for happiness. But you can change the second thing: your way of thinking.
Most negative feelings come from our inner elephant. This is easy to understand from evolution. It was always more important to react strongly to dangers than to good things. For example, long ago, if a person saw a dangerous animal, they felt scared and ran away fast. Fear is more important for survival than joy.
Our inner elephant also gets scared by small things. So, it often makes us too worried, just in case. This happens even with things that are not dangerous. Like giving a speech at work or visiting the dentist. Thinking about these things can ruin our whole day. It can make us unhappy. But, if we think clearly, it’s not needed at all.
You cannot always control your elephant directly. But you can train it to be calmer and happier overall. Daily meditation is a very good way to do this. It has been shown to reduce negative and sad thoughts. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) also works well. This therapy replaces doubts with positive thoughts. It has helped many people with depression. When your inner attitude changes, the elephant quickly calms down. If the rider is happy and sure of himself, the elephant understands. It learns there is no reason to be scared, panic, or get angry all the time.
Blink 3 – Giving and receiving guides what we do.
If a friend buys you a beer at a bar, what would you do? You would probably buy the next round. This is because giving and receiving is a strong part of how we act and what we believe is right.
This also comes from evolution. Helping each other helps a group survive better. If one hunter catches much more food than another, he can share it. He loses nothing, because the extra meat would spoil anyway. Sharing has a big benefit: the hunter who got help will likely help back later.
The instinct to give and receive is so strong in us. Sometimes it even works against our own good. Here is an interesting experiment. Two people get €25. Person A decides how much each person gets. Person B can say yes or no to the offer. If B says no, both get nothing. If Person A offered half or a bit less, Person B almost always said yes. But if Person A offered only about €7, the situation changed. Person B almost always said no. This meant neither person got any money. The interesting part is that logically, Person B should take €7 instead of nothing. But the idea of fairness (giving and receiving) is clearly more important to us.
When this rule is broken, we feel hurt and want to get back. We usually do this by telling others about our bad experience. Then, those people avoid the person who broke the rule.
Blink 4 – If everyone always thinks they are right, everyone ends up unhappy.
You surely know this feeling when you argue with someone. You think: How can the other person not see they are wrong? Most likely, the other person thinks the same about you. So, two sides clash, and nothing changes.
It’s hard to admit your own mistakes. So, both the rider and the elephant like to ignore them. If someone tells us we made a mistake, the elephant quickly reacts. It says that is impossible. The rider then supports this quick defense. He finds good arguments to back up his view. He ignores anything that might show he is wrong.
This twisted view makes it hard to end arguments. Each of us always thinks we are good and always right. Think about the common argument among flatmates or families. It’s about who does most of the housework. One person might think they almost always cook. The other person is annoyed that they always have to clean. Neither will value what the other does. They will give reasons like, “Cooking is fun, that’s not real housework.”
Everyone knows this kind of argument. Everyone also knows how much bad mood it creates for everyone. Quickly, things go wrong at home. It’s a small step from thinking ‘I have to do everything alone’ to ‘Others treat me badly because they don’t like me.’ Soon, real problems between people start.
But it’s actually simple to stop blaming each other. We just need to try to see our own mistakes. This helps us see things clearly again, not in a twisted way. Because of the giving and receiving rule, the other person will also admit their mistakes. Then we can truly apologize and solve the problem.
Blink 5 – You can control the main things that make you happy.
Now we know that genes, ways of thinking, giving and receiving, and arguments affect our happiness. But, of course, outside things and events also make us happy or unhappy.
However, this influence does not last very long. This is because we get used to new situations quickly. For example, look at how happy lottery winners are compared to people paralyzed by an accident. At first, lottery winners are much happier. But this happiness lasts only a short time. After a few months, both groups return to their normal level of happiness. They are then at a similar level.
This can also be explained by evolution. When our brain developed, it was more important to adjust to new situations. It was less important to be happy or sad about old ones.
But some situations are so serious that we cannot get used to them. For example, living alone for a long time can make you very unhappy. The number and strength of our relationships are actually the most important outside factor for feeling happy. People with many friends or a happy marriage are much happier. This is compared to people who are less social.
Another outside factor is what we do each day. People who do things they are good at are happier. Everyone has their own strengths. These are things they are good at and like to do. If someone likes to explain things, they will be a great teacher. This job will make them happy every day.
Blink 6 – Love in all forms is needed for our happiness.
Whether you like the Beatles or not, they were right about one thing. With “All you need is love,” they hit the nail on the head. No one can live a happy life without love. This is true from the start of life. A strong bond with another person, usually the mother, is key for a child’s healthy growth. This bond gives the child a feeling of safety and belonging. This feeling stays with them into adulthood.
You can see this in baby monkeys in zoos. If keepers feed them with bottles instead of their mothers, they struggle. They cannot develop normal social skills their whole lives. They are also worse at solving problems.
Love between parents and children is more like romantic love than you might think. Holding each other, looking into each other’s eyes for a long time, and the pain of being apart. These are just some examples that show this.
Everyone needs romantic love. But many people confuse it with passion. We feel passionate love when we fall in love with someone. But this stage rarely lasts longer than six months. The brains of people in love act like the brains of people on drugs. But no one can be ‘high’ forever. So, endless passionate love is not real. When passionate love fades, companionate love can take its place. This kind of love can also grow over time.
Many people think a relationship has failed when passion fades. This is a mistake. We should give every relationship a chance to become companionate love.
Blink 7 – Crises can make you stronger and even happier.
We often think that bad events help us grow. We believe we become wiser after getting through tough times. However, many people also leave crises with trauma or depression. Why is this? What decides if a bad event will have good or bad effects on us in the long run?
Research shows that most people get long-term benefits from bad events. Many people who have lost a loved one or suddenly lost their job often gain more self-confidence. This happens after they deal with the experience well. They might think: “If I got through that, I can do anything!”
Bad crises also often make our relationships with others better. Asking for help, getting help, and giving help can bring us much closer to people.
Also, crises sometimes make us see ourselves more clearly. Our self-image is based on what the wise rider thinks of us. For example: “I am a successful businesswoman!” But our true personality also depends on the elephant below. The bigger the difference between what the rider thinks and what the elephant does, the unhappier we are. Having an unrealistic self-image causes problems and disappointment.
This would be true if you think you are a strong, successful businesswoman. But you cry at the smallest criticism from your boss. If you know this about yourself, you can handle it better. Instead of always disappointing yourself, you can admit you are sensitive. Then you might even laugh about it and see the good parts. It means you are emotional and dedicated, and you care about your work.
Generally, there is a time in life that is best for crises. Crises often have bad effects on young children and people over 30. But teenagers and people in their twenties can learn a lot from them. Hard experiences can help them understand their elephant and rider better. They can then change how they see themselves.
Blink 8 – Kindness and caring for others are part of happiness.
Old philosophers and thinkers always believed certain good qualities were important for a happy life. These include honesty, helping others, acting morally, or having a “noble mind.” But what does modern science say about this?
Our idea of a good life is quite abstract. We talk and read about it, but we don’t always do it ourselves. Just like doing a handstand, you learn good actions by doing them, not just by talking. For example, children in school learn about good and bad actions in religion or ethics classes. But they don’t practice this knowledge. It would be different if school classes did volunteer work for a good cause.
Then we would quickly understand that caring for others is not only good for the community. It is also good for ourselves. It gives meaning to our lives and makes our connections with others stronger. This makes us happy. Some studies even show that people who regularly help others live longer and happier lives than average.
Having certain moral values also helps a lot in a child’s development. If children learn from the start that some behaviors are good and wanted, and they practice them, then the rider and elephant work better together. And we have a better view of ourselves overall.
It’s not about finding perfect rules or values to live by. What matters is sharing the same values with other people. A group with shared moral ideas can help a lot to make us happy. This can be your family, neighborhood, or a religious group.
Blink 9 – Awe and spirituality give us new ways to see things.
Compared to the past, religions play a smaller role in our society today. You don’t have to believe in God to be happy. But every religion has one part that is very important for a happy life: awe.
Every society before us had some kind of religion. Every religion has certain things or actions that are holy to them. They show great respect for these. Even atheists, many people believe, hold some things sacred in a way. For example, the place where they first kissed their partner. Or a necklace they inherited from their grandmother.
Experiences connected to religion or awe can make us better people. For example, when we look at the stars at night, we realize something. We are not as important as we often think. We are just a small part of a big universe.
We also feel awe when we hear about or see a heroic act. Imagine you are there when someone bravely goes into a burning house. They save a child from the flames. What happens to you then? We admire the hero for their action. Many values that were just ideas suddenly become very real and important. These are things like selflessness, caring for others, sacrifice, and courage.
We feel awe when we face something bigger than ourselves. And this actually makes us happy. Sadly, there are few such moments in our society today. We live in a very practical society. Everything is judged by its use or cost. Spirituality is often looked down upon. Still, sometimes we feel something is missing in our lives. It might be awe.
Blink 10 – You find meaning in a happy connection with your world.
Modern psychology has found three main things for a happy and meaningful life.
First, you need good relationships with other people. We are single persons, but also social beings. So, we sometimes face a conflict. Should we do what is good for us, or what is good for others? The trick is to be around people you truly like. Because when you do good things for them, it’s also good for you.
Second, you need work that gives you satisfaction. What “satisfying” means depends on your own ideas and values. If you feel your work does something good, then it matches your values. And you will find satisfaction in it.
It also depends on how you see your own work. For example, a hospital cleaner might think: ‘My job is to change light bulbs and fix chairs because no one else wants to.’ But she would probably be happier if she thought: ‘My job is to create a place where doctors can save lives.’
Third, it’s important to be connected to something big and meaningful. From time to time, you need to step back and realize how small you are. Then your own problems will not seem so big or impossible to solve. In the past, religions did this job. But you can also easily get this feeling through meditation. Through meditation, you can connect in a special way to something bigger. Like all of humanity or nature itself.
When these three things are true, we feel our life is happy and meaningful. So, what are you waiting for?
Summary
The main idea of these summaries is:
Our mind works like a wise rider on a wild elephant. Many of our behaviors come from evolution. Once we understand them, we can do a lot to manage them and be happier. For example, we can act more thoughtfully in arguments and solve them faster. Or we can find more balance and happiness through meditation.
What you can do:
Find work that you love.
Work that makes you feel like you are doing good will make you happier. This is better than work you don’t enjoy, even if it brings a lot of money. If you have extra money, spend it on activities with friends.
Learn to see your own mistakes.
Next time you argue with a friend or your partner, step back. Try to admit your own mistakes. If you apologize for just one mistake, the other person will do the same. Then you will be on the right path to solve the argument.
For further reading: Get Some Headspace by Andy Puddicombe
Do you want to try meditation now to find true happiness and peace? The following summaries explain how to do it.
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/die-gluckshypothese-de