Author: Iris Gavric & Matthias Renger
_Iris Gavric & Matthias Renger_
Reading time: 18 minutes
Synopsis
Du bist das Problem, das ich mir wünsche (2025) asks how conflicts between people start. It also explores why they are sometimes unavoidable but still helpful. We invite you to see arguments as something that helps us grow together. We can handle them with humor, understanding, and fun ideas. We will show you how to do this with real examples and simple methods.
What you will learn: The art of arguing with humor and understanding.
Every couple reaches this point: One person says, “It doesn’t matter.” The other person knows right away that it definitely does matter. Then a big silence starts, or a loud argument, depending on the couple. Sometimes words are thrown. Sometimes only angry looks are exchanged. Sometimes cups even fly. But there is a strange truth in all this. This kind of friction keeps us feeling alive.
Because if you argue, it shows there is still a lot of energy in the relationship! But the good tone often gets lost. In the next section, we show you how to use this energy during arguments. This way, you do not hurt each other, but problems still get discussed.
We will share practical argument hacks and fun methods. These include clear instructions to make arguing a shared game. This game can help your relationship grow.
Blink 1 – Humor makes conflicts less sharp.
If someone tells you, “I have a problem with you,” you probably feel a bit tense. But this sentence does not have to be an attack. It can be an invitation to talk. It opens the door to an honest chat instead of hidden anger. If you stay brave in such moments and do not get defensive, you can even use conflicts to create more closeness.
We often avoid arguments because we want people to like us. We keep problems to ourselves to keep things peaceful. But honestly, that is like eating raw dough instead of asking for a baking tin. The dough ferments, your stomach bloats, and eventually, everything explodes. If we talk about the problem early, we let it rise in the right way. You “bake” together. The bread is the solution that helps both people, instead of upsetting one of them.
Conflicts often feel like a tunnel: narrow, loud, and hopeless. But there are emergency exits. These are small, creative reactions that help clear the air. Humor is one of them. If you learn to laugh at yourself during an argument, you take away the problem’s power. For example, a comedian is teased on stage. Instead of getting angry, he quickly comments on the situation. He makes fun of his own shyness and wins the audience back. The tension turns into laughter. This is how using humor calms things down.
This also works in everyday life. If your partner’s coffee slurping annoys you, tell them! But do it with a wink. Say, “I love you, but my ear wants to get a divorce for a moment.” This way, you honestly say what bothers you without being hurtful. Humor turns the problem into something you can both laugh at.
It is important that the joke is not at the other person’s expense. Mockery is not a sign of humor; it is showing power. If a comment hurts you, and the other person says, “It was just a joke,” you can ask, “What part of it was funny?” This makes it clear that you expect respect.
Sometimes humor helps even after some time. If something hurts you deeply, you do not have to react right away. Sleep on it, think about it, and then reply one or two days later.
The fact is: Conflicts do not disappear if you avoid them. But if you look at them with curiosity, in a playful way, and especially together, they become less sharp. Then you no longer say, “I have a problem with you.” Instead, you say, “We have a problem – and an idea how we can solve it together.”
Besides humor, there is another key to handle arguments better: empathy.
Blink 2 – Empathy smooths out every argument.
Sometimes you do something that you immediately regret. You want to take it back, but you cannot undo it. And you know it will happen again. This is because your actions do not just come from you. They come from how you interact with others. We make each other who we are, both in good ways and bad ways.
Imagine you plan to stay calm during a discussion. But then someone says something that really upsets you. Before you can even say “Ouch!” you hear yourself shouting. After that comes shame, withdrawal, and silence. The next time, the same thing happens. This is how repeated patterns start, where both sides shape each other.
The trick is to see it as a game. In games that end, there are rules, winners, and losers. In games that never end, like relationships, the goal is to stay in the game. You do not want to be right; you want to understand. If you want to win, you lose your connection. The stronger the attack, the stronger the defense. People who feel put down hold on even tighter to their beliefs.
The way out is through empathy. Empathy is not agreeing; it is truly understanding. Empathy means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes for a moment. It creates emotional flexibility where before there was only defense.
US researcher Brené Brown explains the difference between empathy and sympathy like this: Someone is in a dark hole and calls for help. You climb down, sit next to them, and say, “I know how that feels; I’ve been here before.” That is empathy. Sympathy would be to stay at the top and call out, “Oh, how terrible! Cheer up! Do you want a cookie?”
So, empathy does not mean approving of everything. It means understanding why someone feels or acts the way they do. This attitude helps you stay flexible, even when things get hard. Relationships are not a power game. They are a space where both people can grow. And every misunderstanding is an invitation to play the game more wisely. Play with curiosity and an open mind for what connects you.
Now let’s talk about the argument hacks.
Blink 3 – Argument hack number 1: Swap roles!
In almost every argument, listening eventually gets lost. You talk, and the other person only hears what fits their own view. The same happens the other way around. Role-swapping is like a restart button for the conversation. For a moment, you step out of your own view. You try to see things from the other person’s side. Not to agree with them, but to understand why they think they are right, from their point of view.
If you notice you are stuck, just say, “Role swap?” like a small challenge. Now you take on the other person’s role. Try to copy their words, facial expressions, and gestures exactly. Do it so well that they recognize themselves. Pay attention to their tone of voice, body posture, common phrases, and yes, even the little habits that sometimes drive you crazy.
Then comes the main part: You should explain the other person’s arguments so clearly that they say, “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean!” After that, you switch. Now you get to see how you appear.
If you like, you can check in with each other sometimes: “Am I playing you well?” “Almost, but I talk faster.” This keeps it fair and playful.
It is easy to explain why this works so well. First, you directly experience how your words affect the other person. This can be painful, but it broadens your view. Second, you get something rare in an argument: the feeling of being truly understood. And third, it is almost always fun. At some point, the tension turns into laughter. This happens when you both realize how silly some of your patterns are.
This moment, laughing together in the middle of a conflict, is pure relationship gold.
Blink 4 – Argument hack number 2: Turn your anger into a quiz!
If you feel like you have said everything a hundred times, and the other person still does not understand you, try a game. More specifically: a quiz about both of you.
Imagine you are the host of your own small conflict show. You stand there with a card in your hand and say, “Welcome to today’s episode of Who Messed Up?, and the first question goes to you!”
The rules are simple: You state your problem as a question with different answer choices. Something like this: “Quiz question: Why was I angry yesterday? A) Because I cannot always be sweet. B) Because the moon was in the wrong star sign. C) Because I wished you had asked how I was doing. D) Because I was hungry.”
The more absurd and over-the-top the wrong answers are, the more relaxed the mood becomes. You show humor, but you still make your point. And the other person can playfully show how well they understand you.
If you like, you can really play the part. Put on reading glasses, speak with a serious quizmaster voice, or announce a “phone a friend” if a third person is in the room. Anything is allowed as long as you can both laugh.
Before you start, write down what is important to you. What do you want the other person to truly understand? Turn these into three to five questions that clearly state your problem. If you want, you can give points for each answer. You can even offer a prize: Whoever understands you correctly gets to choose what to have for dinner next time.
Why does this work? Because it is both clear and playful. Because you express your anger without attacking the other person. And because it reduces pressure without you being dishonest. Also, the quiz forces you to sort out your own problem. After all, you need to know what the core issue is for you to put it into question form.
Sometimes, the magic actually lies in the preparation. As you write your answers, you realize how much lighter everything feels once you look at it with humor. Even serious topics lose their sting when they suddenly become entertaining.
If the other person completely misses a question, please do not scold them. In that case, take a commercial break instead.
Blink 5 – Argument hack number 3: Whisper during arguments!
If you are in the middle of a heated discussion and notice that the volume is rising faster than understanding, try this: Start whispering. Yes, really. No irony, no spiritual trick, just whisper. The effect is amazing, because it is impossible to stay angry while whispering.
The key: You do not have to give up your point of view, just lower the volume. And that changes everything. Arguing in a whisper feels like you are sharing a secret together. It is not like you are talking over each other.
Here is how you can try it: When you notice an argument starting, lean slightly forward and softly say, “Shall we try this by whispering?” This immediately changes how things feel. Let your emotions show, but stay quiet. The contrast works better than you think.
If you like, you can make it a small challenge: How long can you last without getting louder? Or: How dramatically can you express anger without anyone in the next room hearing? The sheer absurdity of it often brings back the first laugh.
Pay attention to the details: How does the other person react? Does their tone of voice automatically get softer? Do you listen more carefully yourself? You might even feel physically how the tension releases. And yes, sometimes it is just wonderfully absurd. If you both start laughing, that’s perfect!
If whispering does not work for you, try other versions: Talk with funny voices. Pretend you are news anchors or voice actors. Anything that helps to take the seriousness out of the drama is allowed.
Whispering works so well to calm arguments because it stops the usual pattern. It also affects your body: your breath slows down, your voice becomes calmer, your thoughts become clearer. Whether it is the vagus nerve, a placebo effect, or just common sense does not matter. The important thing is that it works.
Blink 6 – Argument hack number 4: Change the setting!
You probably know this feeling: Always the same kitchen, the same tone of voice, the same posture. And then the argument follows the usual pattern again. Sometimes, simply getting up and going somewhere else is enough.
If the mood gets tense, try a simple sentence: “Come on, let’s continue our argument somewhere else.” Say this even in the middle of a sentence. No big explanation needed. You will see: Just changing the location changes how you talk to each other.
When you are outside walking, on the balcony, or in a park, conflicts often feel smaller. The fresh air, the wide view, the movement – all of this helps to release tension. That is why it is worth trying different spaces.
Some people can explain what is on their mind more calmly when walking. Others prefer to sit to focus and choose their words carefully. Find out what works for you and in which spaces you feel safe.
If you cannot change the location, try making small changes to yourself. Stand up, lean against a wall, or sit differently. You will notice that your tone of voice also changes with your body posture.
When the air starts to flow again, use that energy. Maybe not everything will be solved right away. But you will suddenly see each other and the problem differently. And that is often a real step forward.
Blink 7 – Argument hack number 5: Work on a project together!
Sometimes talking just does not help. You have already said everything a hundred times, and you are still going in circles. Then it is time to do something together. Do not discuss; just do. It is best to do something that has nothing at all to do with your argument.
When words no longer work, doing something together can work wonders. Build, renovate, cook, plant, or paint something – as long as it is together. The trick is that you have to coordinate, and you can laugh about small mistakes. The project itself is not the most important thing. It just gives you a stage where you can work as a team again, without analyzing each other.
When you start such a small project, only one rule applies: The problem stays outside. No side comments, no clever afterthoughts, no “But actually…” Make it a rule that there is a ceasefire now. And make sure no one tries to be the boss. You are partners in crime, not a manager and an employee.
For example: Let’s say you had an argument with your roommate because they never wash the dishes. You shouted at each other, ignored each other, then shouted again. Now the atmosphere in the apartment is tense. Instead of starting the next big discussion, suggest building the old chest of drawers together that you have had lying around forever. You sort screws, hold boards, laugh at the instructions – and at some point, you realize you have been talking normally for half an hour. Here lies the magic of teamwork: It brings back closeness without having to talk about it directly.
If you like, celebrate the result. A high five, a meal, a toast to what you have created!
Conclusion
We cannot stop life from throwing challenges our way. But we can choose who we want to face those challenges with. Maybe that is the real meaning of arguing: that there is someone there with whom it is worth facing tough times.
In this sense, problems are not a sign of failure. Instead, they remind us that we are connected. And we solve them best with humor and empathy.
Next time you wonder if life would be easier without all the anger, frustration, and misunderstandings, remember this: People do not stop having problems with each other because they do not stop caring about each other.
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/du-bist-das-problem-das-ich-mir-wunsche-de