Author: Daniel Goleman
_Daniel Goleman_
Reading time: 23 minutes
Synopsis
What is emotional intelligence? These Blinks give us interesting insights into this human skill. Daniel Goleman calls it “the key to success.” By looking closely at how emotional intelligence grows and develops, we can better understand how success and thinking skills are linked.
What you will learn: Discover and use the power of emotions.
We often do not understand how powerful our feelings are. We might think they are just about love, excitement, or big anger. But emotions do much more. They shape our choices and how we see the world. They also help us connect with other people. These Blinks about EQ explain how much feelings affect our lives. They show why we have emotions and what they do. Besides IQ (Intelligence Quotient), there is also EQ (Emotional Quotient), which measures emotional intelligence.
Feelings can guide us, but they can also mislead us. Emotional intelligence helps us use feelings well. It can also reduce the harm they might cause. What is more, a high EQ can bring us success in our personal and work lives. This success would not be possible with only a high IQ. Emotional intelligence helps us find a balance between feelings and logical thought.
In these Blinks, you will also learn:
- what the word ’emotion’ means,
- how a high EQ can protect us from colds, and
- how emotional intelligence and crime are linked.
Blink 1 – Emotions are a key part of who we are.
We humans make mistakes. We can change our minds easily. We are also fragile. Emotions make us better at learning and remembering. When our brain stores experiences, it records not just facts, but also feelings. We learn from what happens to us. We avoid doing things that caused us bad feelings in the past.
For example, if a small child touches a hot stove, it feels pain. Later, when it sees a stove, it remembers that scary experience. The fear linked to the danger teaches the child to keep its fingers away from hot stoves.
Our emotional radar also helps us guess what others might do. Emotions like anger show physical signs before they burst out. This gives us time to act and stop the situation from getting worse. For example, clenched fists and loud speaking are signs of upcoming anger. These signs then make other people feel threatened or scared.
Emotions are important drivers of human actions. The word ’emotion’ itself shows this. It comes from the Latin word movere, which means ‘to move’. So, emotions make our body react quickly in a certain way. Imagine you are on a tropical holiday. You see a large, unknown snake hissing and moving towards you. You run away quickly without thinking much.
The next example also shows that emotions fuel our drive. In the last century, doctors used lobotomies to treat people with mental problems. This operation cut nerve paths in the brain. It is now illegal. During these operations, doctors often cut the links between different parts of the brain that create feelings. This made patients lose their emotions and their drive to do things.
So, we see that without feelings, people cannot improve or work properly.
Blink 2 – Our feelings can sometimes cause anger and make us lose control.
Emotions are a useful tool. They help us understand the world better and react to it. But because they are so powerful, we need to handle them correctly. This is where emotional intelligence is important.
To judge well, we need to think clearly. Our brain is like a juggler. It can only keep a few things in the air at once. But when we have a sudden burst of emotion, our brain fills with worrying thoughts and upsetting images. There is no room for clear thinking. This makes us see harmless situations as dangerous.
The same happens when we see emotions in others. The emotional part of the brain sends some information quickly to the logical part, called the neocortex. But another part goes straight to our emotional brain area. For example, seeing an angry face can make our emotional brain react. This can happen even before the logical part of the brain (neocortex) starts working. This causes stress in us. Our mind might not even know yet that the angry face is just on an advertisement poster.
So, our emotional reactions to past events can sometimes cause problems now. For instance, an adult man who was hurt as a child might still be afraid of people who look like the person who hurt him. Even if these people are not dangerous to him.
We need our emotions. But sometimes they make us unable to judge well. They can take full control of us and make us do things that don’t make sense. Because of this, we need a way to control our feelings. The answer is: emotional intelligence.
Blink 3 – Handling emotions well helps us reach our goals.
Emotional intelligence means being able to know your own feelings and the feelings of others. It also means handling them in a smart way. This helps us use the power of emotions without letting them control us.
First, emotional intelligence means you can see and name feelings by looking at physical signs. Studies show that people with alexithymia cannot understand their own feelings. They are more likely to have angry outbursts because they do not manage their emotions well.
To handle your own emotions well, you need to know what causes different feelings in you. The feelings you have in a certain situation often depend on your past experiences and opinions. If a friend walks past and ignores you, you can think he did it on purpose and get angry. Or, you can think he was not paying attention or did not see you, and then you don’t need to get angry.
Find out what your thoughts and reactions are, and ask why you have them. This helps you learn what caused them. This way, it should be much easier for you to control your mood. So, before you get angry next time, first ask yourself: Is there another good reason for this situation?
Emotional intelligence helps you control your urges. This helps you reach your goals. Also, it will be easier to focus your thoughts on a goal. This happens when you always reflect on where your emotions come from. Imagine you need to write an article or prepare a presentation. You might not like the topic, and you may not know how to use the software well. Generally, you would rather go to a film festival than do this annoying work. Emotional intelligence can help you control these urges. It helps you put work before fun. Perhaps you can even find some interesting parts in this topic that seems boring at first?
Blink 4 – EQ is especially good for your social life.
If you do not want to live alone, just controlling your feelings is not enough. You also need to be good at dealing with other people. Again, the key is: emotional intelligence.
It helps you move through society. It gives you understanding and empathy. You can put yourself in other people’s shoes. You develop a good sense of what others are feeling. This type of intelligence allows you to read other people’s body language. For example, you can link someone turning pale to fear. You can link raised eyebrows to surprise. You can probably spot these signs automatically if you have felt these emotions yourself. You don’t need to think hard about it.
Empathy is a very important part of emotional intelligence. It is vital for good relationships with others. When you understand how others feel, you can better guess what action will cause a certain reaction in them. For example, a boss who wants to tell an employee about their mistakes should first try to understand the employee’s feelings. This helps the boss know how to give feedback to make a change happen. The boss will then see that hurtful comments are not helpful. They only lead to a bad work atmosphere and frustration.
People with emotional intelligence use empathy. This helps them learn valuable social skills. These include leadership, solving conflicts, and teaching skills.
Blink 5 – Emotional intelligence needs feelings and logic to work well together.
Feelings and logic – the thinking brain and the feeling brain – are closely linked by nerve paths. Damage to these paths causes problems with emotional intelligence.
A person whose emotional brain is cut off from their thinking brain stops feeling emotions. They lose their emotional self-awareness. This is a key part of emotional intelligence. This is exactly what happened to patients who had lobotomies.
On the other hand, the thinking brain corrects what the feeling brain thinks is important. So, it plays a big role in how we control our emotions. If our emotional brain sees something as a threat, it makes our body go on alert. Luckily, the thinking brain can check this. If it finds no danger, it tells the feeling brain that all is well. This calms the body. But for patients with serious brain damage, this self-control might not work. They might live with constant fear or emotional stress.
So, there is a brain link to emotional intelligence. The better your EQ, the better your thinking and feeling brains work together.
Blink 6 – Emotional intelligence makes our lives better.
We all know someone who is very smart but keeps failing. Clearly, a high IQ alone is not enough for a happy and successful life. You also need a high EQ.
For example, managers with good social skills find it easier to inspire their staff to work towards a goal. Studies show that students with empathy also get much better grades. This is true even if their less empathetic classmates have a similar IQ. This pattern appears in all social groups and ages. The ‘Marshmallow Test’ at Stanford University showed this. Four-year-old children were offered sweets to see if they could resist the sweet temptation. Years later, a follow-up study found that those who could control their desire at age four did better in school and in social situations later on.
Emotional intelligence also has good effects on our health. When we are stressed, our body releases many hormones. These hormones make our immune system weaker. Stress hormones make us more likely to get sick. A group of British researchers exposed people to cold viruses. They found that those who said they felt more stress at the start were much more likely to catch a cold. If chronic stress also causes high blood pressure over time, our blood vessels get damaged. This increases the risk of a heart attack. To protect our health, we must learn to reduce emotions that cause stress. These include fear, hostility, and anger.
In a study, people who had a heart attack received coaching. This helped them control their anger better. This coaching lowered the risk of another heart attack. Also, people with long-term pain, asthma, diabetes, arthritis, or stomach problems felt better. This happened after they learned to manage their stress using relaxation methods. However, if people do not know other ways to feel better, they often use unhealthy methods. For example, they drink alcohol or eat too much.
Emotional intelligence has a huge effect on our success and health. So it is surprising that schools and courses pay so little attention to it.
Blink 7 – The future of society depends on the EQ of its youngest people.
Between 1965 and 1990, youth crime in the USA quadrupled. At the same time, young people’s health got worse. Both these changes can be linked to a lack of emotional intelligence.
A lack of emotional intelligence can have serious results. Young people with a low EQ often have little control over their urges. They also find it hard to understand facial expressions. Because of this, they are more likely to commit crimes than others. This lack is also seen in criminals and in people who use dangerous drugs.
So, emotional skill is a basic need for a child’s well-being. Children who struggle with self-awareness, empathy, or controlling their urges often have mental health problems. They also tend to have more difficulties at school. A child’s emotional intelligence also depends on their parents’ EQ. A study at the University of Washington showed that children of emotionally intelligent parents can control their emotions better. They also have lower stress levels. They are also more popular with other children. Teachers describe them as having better social skills.
Therefore, the well-being of our society depends on our children’s emotional intelligence. Why? Today’s children will be tomorrow’s parents, managers, and politicians. They will shape our future society. For this, we need empathetic leaders who can solve conflicts well. They must also not blindly follow their emotions.
Blink 8 – You can improve your EQ in many ways.
There is a very important difference between IQ and EQ. Your IQ stays mostly the same. But you can always build and improve your emotional intelligence. This gives you benefits in many parts of life.
You can train your self-awareness and self-management. Talk to yourself. When you feel anger, don’t just give in to it. Ask yourself: “Why am I angry?” Answer honestly: “Because my best friend shared his marriage problems with someone else, not me.” You must learn to calm strong feelings by thinking about them. When you name a feeling and what caused it, you take away its power to control you. For example: “I feel left out, but maybe my friend just didn’t want to bother me because I’m so busy right now.”
To get better at self-motivation, it helps to have a positive mindset. How you explain your successes or failures greatly affects your motivation. People who blame their failures on things they can change do not give up easily. They keep trying after setbacks because they know their success depends on their effort. But those who always blame setbacks on a personal fault they cannot change give up faster. This is because they believe they have little control over their success anyway.
Emotional intelligence clearly depends on your attitude, habits, and skills. But all of these have one thing in common: they can all change. You can learn and improve skills. You can also fight against a negative attitude. If you don’t know what to do, or you face many difficulties, don’t be afraid. Ask for help from a therapist or coach.
Blink 9 – For work or personal life: Emotional intelligence is needed everywhere.
Emotional intelligence is more about what you do than what you know. So, here are some practical tips to train your emotional, social, and self-control skills.
You can avoid misunderstandings in relationships. Remember that women and men often handle emotions differently. Girls quickly learn to talk openly about their feelings. Boys, however, feel they must hide their feelings. They think it makes them look weak.
Researcher Marlene Lenick found that women often complain to create emotional closeness. So, if a woman complains to her partner about a problem, he should first listen with understanding. He should not offer a solution right away. She might quickly misunderstand his offer of a solution. She might see it as rejection, not help. She might think he does not want to deal with her problems deeply.
Another tip is to check your pulse regularly. For example, during arguments, you should always try to control your anger and avoid overreacting. Strong emotions limit your ability to think clearly. This can quickly lead you to say or do things you later regret. Instead, take a deep breath and check your pulse. This can help you control your anger. If your pulse rate in such situations goes ten beats per minute higher than your average, it means your logical thinking is no longer working well. Calm down, and then try to explain your emotions.
When giving criticism, make sure to be specific. Also, offer a practical solution. If you clearly show what needs to be done differently using a specific example, the person will receive your message much better and without judgment.
Summary
The main message of this book is:
The emotional part of our intelligence is no longer hidden. It helps us to recognize feelings and handle them well. Emotions are a vital guide and driving force for us. But they can also make us act in ways that don’t make sense. Using them correctly is the core of emotional intelligence. EQ can predict success in school, work, and life much better than IQ. Also, you can improve and develop your EQ throughout your life.
What you can do:
Help children develop their emotional skills.
Emotional intelligence is key for a child’s well-being. As a parent or teacher, you can help emotional skills grow. Encourage the child to talk about their feelings. Give them words to name feelings. This helps them understand their own emotions.
Give specific and helpful feedback.
If you use a clear example to show what someone could change, they will understand your message better. This is better than just giving negative criticism.
How is your emotional intelligence?
Have these Blinks helped you learn more about your own EQ? Tell us by simply sending an email to [email protected].
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/eq-de