Author: Kerry Patterson
_Kerry Patterson_
Reading time: 19 minutes
Synopsis
The book Heikle Gespräche (2002) teaches you how to have better conversations. These are talks where important things are decided, and we often feel scared about them. These summaries help you feel less afraid of tricky conversations. They give you ideas and tips to stay calm.
What you will learn: Handle difficult conversations like a pro.
You finally have a meeting with your boss. You want to ask for the pay rise you deserve. The evening before, you feel a little nervous but also hopeful. But then, when the meeting starts: your stomach flutters, your hands get sweaty, and you feel uneasy. You quickly say what you want. Then your boss attacks your ideas. You feel a lump in your throat and only want to leave! Your real goal – the pay rise – suddenly seems unimportant. The next day, you are angry with yourself. Why couldn’t you stay calm?
Not everyone has a panic attack, but most people know that nervous feeling before an uncomfortable talk. This can be with children, colleagues, or partners. These summaries explain how emotional conversations work. They give useful tips on how to handle them without stress in the future.
In these summaries, you will learn:
- how to talk in difficult conversations without making the other person feel attacked,
- how to stay factual and calm, and
- why a comfortable and safe conversation setting is so important.
Blink 1 – Difficult talks can make us feel emotional and act without thinking.
Everyone knows difficult talk situations, and nobody likes them. Maybe we want to ask our boss for a pay rise. Or we have a big fight with our neighbour. Or our partner suddenly questions the relationship. In these talks, people have very different ideas. A lot is at stake for both sides, and emotions run high.
Few people stay calm in such situations. This is because our body releases adrenaline. It happens when we sense that a lot is at stake or the situation is getting tense. Our body goes into the fight-or-flight mode. In the past, this helped us survive danger. But today, it often causes problems. We start to sweat, feel nervous, and cannot think clearly. This reaction is even stronger if we are not ready for a difficult talk.
Imagine you come home tired from work. Your partner suddenly ends the relationship. You might be so surprised that you shout or start crying. But if you have time to get ready for a breakup talk, you might set a goal. You might prepare your arguments. Then you can react without going too far.
People who do not let emotions guide them in such talks have advantages in life. They keep a clear mind. For example, a study with over 20,000 people showed something interesting. Those who handle difficult talks well often like challenges. They are also often leaders in their companies.
It also helps in personal life to know how to talk well. If couples learn to discuss problems in a calm and friendly way, their chance of breaking up goes down by 50%!
Blink 2 – To find the best solutions in difficult talks, everyone must share information freely.
In discussions, when tricky or sensitive topics come up, people often do not say everything they think or know. There can be many reasons for this. Maybe they do not want to hurt others. Or they do not want to show weakness. But this way of acting almost always leads to problems.
The more information people share, the better the solutions they find for a problem. But if information is kept hidden, even smart people can make very bad choices. For example, a surgeon once cut off the wrong foot of a man. Several assistant doctors were around him. They were quite sure it was the wrong foot. But no one said anything. They all thought a top surgeon must know better. And no one wanted to speak up or look silly.
When we say everything we know, we can stop bad decisions. Also, everyone will support the results of the talk. When all ideas are discussed openly, everyone feels part of the conversation. They are more likely to agree with the outcome.
For example, during halftime in a football game, the captain should ask all players for their ideas for the second half. The team can then choose one plan from all the ideas. Even if it’s not their own idea, each player will work harder for it. This is better than if the captain just tells them what to do.
So, don’t be afraid to say everything you know about the topic. The more information is shared, the better the talk will go. And everyone will be happier with the result.
Blink 3 – Always remember the goal of your talk, and control your reactions to criticism.
What happens when someone suddenly criticizes you sharply? Most people quickly become defensive. They either get angry and loudly defend their idea. Or they pull back and ignore the criticism. Ending a talk this way is not helpful and does not lead to any goal. No one has ever made progress by throwing dishes or slamming a door. So, how can you react better to such an attack?
First: just take a short breath. Listen to the criticism with an open mind. Think about if it is fair. Second: be clear about what your exact goal is for this talk. Whatever your goal is, you probably won’t reach it with anger or by withdrawing. If you are in such a situation, make yourself stay calm and focus on the goal together with the other person. Taking a short break to define your goal often helps a lot. It helps you control your feelings and stay sensible.
If you feel the talk is getting out of control and your emotions are too strong, take a step back in your mind. Breathe. Ask yourself if what you are doing right now helps you reach your goal.
The same is true the other way around: always give criticism in a way that the other person does not feel attacked or surprised. If someone feels attacked, it is hard for them to change their actions. Instead, you should think carefully about the main point of your criticism. Then, talk about it in a friendly and helpful way – if possible, in a comfortable, ‘safe’ situation.
Blink 4 – People act more aggressively in talks when they feel unsafe.
Sometimes, simple conversations go completely wrong. You might just be talking to a friend about evening plans. Then, she takes a small joke about her being late the wrong way and attacks you. Why does this happen?
This often happens when one person in the talk is afraid. This could be fear of how the talk will end. Or simply fear of being unfairly criticized or let down by the other person. As soon as fear is involved, we become emotional. We cannot stop it; it’s the adrenaline that keeps us from thinking clearly right away.
Once this happens, the scared person, driven by adrenaline, might see a hidden attack even in friendly comments. For example: “What do you mean my dress looks nice? You only say ‘nice’ when you can’t think of anything else! You actually think it’s terrible, admit it!”
In such cases, the other person reacts either by staying quiet or by being aggressive. They start to be sarcastic or don’t let the other person speak. Now the first person feels even more unsure and attacked. And so, both are in a cycle that can only end in a big argument. A helpful talk or even a solution is now very far away.
It is hard to get out of such talk situations. So, it’s best to avoid them completely. Always make the other person feel safe so they can talk clearly. Do not make them feel unsure. Instead, show them you respect them and take them seriously. Avoid sarcasm and do not focus on their weaknesses.
Blink 5 – Take your conversation partners seriously to make them feel safe, and try to work with them.
How can you make your conversation partners feel safe and not afraid? The most important thing for a good, fearless talk is a shared goal. As soon as you feel you are working together on a solution and that the other person respects you, you will feel safe. You might think: “Well, if there was a shared goal, the talk wouldn’t be difficult.” That’s right. If things get tricky and a common goal is not clear, you must create one.
This sounds harder than it is. A simple example will show you the method: Let’s say you get offered a promotion. But you would have to move to another place. Your family does not want to move. So there is no shared goal: you want to move, but your family wants to stay.
In this case, it’s best to guide the talk to a different level. Make it clear that in the long run, family is more important than your career. This way, you create a shared goal with your loved ones: to keep the family together. Then you can discuss the steps much better. For example, whether moving now is a good idea, or if you should look for a new job. Everyone will know that you are all working towards the same goal and just need to agree on the details.
And how do you create a feeling of safety and respect when you bring up difficult points? To make the other person feel respected, make sure you talk to them in the right way. A good trick is to find a positive point for every negative point you mention. For example, if you want to talk to an employee about being late, always say that you are generally happy with their work. This way, the employee will feel less attacked. They will probably react less emotionally to your criticism.
Blink 6 – Build closeness and trust to create a safe conversation space.
Imagine you have a teenage daughter. She is spending time with someone you don’t trust. You want to share your worries and talk with her. But she angrily says that you want to control her whole life.
As we know, the best way to have a good talk with someone is to make them feel safe. This works especially well if you create an understanding atmosphere. In this atmosphere, the person feels their opinion matters. When we have more in common with the other person, we talk more openly. Then, fear and other emotions are less likely to enter the conversation.
So, the smartest thing you can do as a parent in this case is to build closeness and understanding. Ask why your daughter feels her whole life is being controlled. Truly try to understand her answer. Once your daughter starts to open up a little, you can respond to her points and ask more questions. For example, if your daughter complains: “Finally, I found someone who likes me, and you’re ruining everything!” then ask: “Do you think no one else likes you except this boy?” This way, you show you are trying to understand the situation. You actually have the same goal as her: a happy daughter.
In such a talk, it’s important not to show disagreement right away. First, it is more important to build a base of closeness and trust. So, the right answer to “I’m so pathetic, that’s why nobody likes me,” is not “That’s not true at all, you’re great and everyone likes you.” It would be better to say, “What do you want to change about yourself?” or “Who doesn’t like you?”
This way, your daughter will feel less threatened. She will be more likely to have a reasonable talk.
Blink 7 – Always make sure you understand what others say correctly.
Often, just one wrong word from someone can make us really angry. Even if they didn’t mean anything bad. Usually, this is because we understand what they said incorrectly. We feel attacked, but the person meant something totally different. They didn’t want to attack or insult us.
So, you should often check if you understand what people say correctly. Also, check their body language, like looks. Especially when you feel emotional, it often helps to step back. Think or ask if you have understood everything right. Separate what you think others mean from what they actually said or did.
For example, if someone stares at you with a blank face, you might think it’s very rude. Before you get angry, check if the person is perhaps staring at something behind you. Or maybe they are just thinking hard. This way, you can avoid many misunderstandings.
Once you have the facts, you can find a positive meaning for them. For example, imagine this situation: You are in a project meeting with a colleague and your boss. At some point, you suggest a break and go get coffee. Your boss and colleague stay seated and keep talking about the project.
At first, you might think they are planning something behind your back and keeping secrets from you. But if you look at the facts calmly, a more likely explanation is that they are very passionate about the project because it is important to them. Maybe they don’t know you feel the same way. Perhaps they just want to give you a break while they keep thinking of ideas. Talk to people and ask if you understood their actions correctly before you get angry. In the case of the project meeting: let the others know you would also like to be more involved. Then you are on the right path for good teamwork.
Blink 8 – Set a clear process for making decisions and give out clear responsibilities.
With the ideas from the previous summaries and some practice, you should now be able to lead difficult talks calmly and with a clear goal. You can create a safe talk space for others and keep your emotions in check. But that’s not all. The final step in any good conversation is to end it well.
From experience, the best results come when it’s clear who makes the decisions and who will be affected by them. If a topic affects everyone – like a whole family moving house – then everyone should be part of making the decision. If there are several good solutions, you can vote. This way, everyone is part of the decision. If everyone agrees in the end: perfect. If they cannot agree, you need to spend some time. Find the best possible compromise among all people involved.
However, not all decisions need to be made democratically. If everyone in a group or team trusts and respects each other, then one person can be given the power to make decisions alone. But only then. Otherwise, there is a risk that not everyone will support the decisions.
To carry out the decisions, responsibilities must be clearly given out. Every group member needs to know what to do and when. You should always explain your expectations as clearly as possible. This helps avoid disappointment later. Everyone must fully understand what results are expected from them. They also need to know how these fit into the whole project. If your instructions are unclear, you might end up like Howard Hughes, the businessman. He once asked a team of engineers to build a steam-powered car. After many years of hard work, the car was ready. It really ran on steam. But sadly, if there was an accident, it would boil its passengers alive. Hughes clearly did not explain exactly what he wanted well enough!
Summary
Summary
The main message of these summaries is:
Learning to have difficult talks calmly and with a clear goal makes life easier. It helps everyone get closer to their goals, both at work and in their personal life. With some understanding of how such talks work and a few tips, anyone can learn to stay calm and control their feelings.
Did we give you all the important information, even without a real conversation?
It is important to us that you learn a lot from these summaries. Did we succeed? Please write to us at [email protected].
For further reading: How to Break the Ice by Leil Lowndes
Okay, let’s finish with difficult talks. But what about less difficult talks, like casual conversation and small talk? This type of talk seems easier only at first glance. Starting a chat easily with strangers and making useful contacts with clever banter is an art in itself.
Not everyone finds it easy. But you can learn it well with a few simple tricks. The summaries for How to Break the Ice show you how to start conversations easily with people and gain their trust. You will learn to use courage, sensitivity, and practice.
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/heikle-gesprache-de