Author: Michael Lehofer
_Michael Lehofer_
Reading time: 19 minutes
Synopsis
The book Mit mir sein (2017) talks about the role of self-love in your life. It’s not just a trend. Self-love is the base for good relationships and for feeling happy. Here, you will learn what happens when you don’t love yourself enough. You will also learn what you can do to be kinder to yourself.
What this summary offers: Ideas and basics of self-love.
Let’s talk about self-love. It might sound like emotions, wellness, or improving yourself. But it is much more basic than that. Self-love decides how you handle stress. It affects your relationships. It shows how free you feel and how happy you are.
This summary asks you to see self-love as a way of life. You will learn to be honest, mindful, and kind to yourself. This can change how you feel about yourself. It can also change your relationships for the better. You will not need approval from others as much. You will get into fewer power struggles. You can meet others as equals. When you value yourself more, you expect less from others. You won’t need them to fill your inner emptiness. You won’t cling to people or try to control them. Instead, you will be more open and sensitive. You will be clearer about what you need and what you can give. So, self-love is not selfish. It is necessary to truly love people. It helps you love freely, honestly, and without hidden motives.
Blink 1 – Self-love is the base for all relationships.
Many relationship problems have one main cause: a bad relationship with ourselves. If you don’t like yourself, can’t stand yourself, or always criticize yourself, you look for these things in others. You seek acceptance, safety, and love that you can’t give yourself. This puts too much pressure on any partnership. No one can keep giving you what you deny yourself.
A key part of self-love is self-worth. But many people find this very hard. In many cultures, it’s not polite to praise yourself. Most of us learned the phrase ‘Self-praise stinks’ early on. So, it feels strange to talk about our strengths. Many people can barely name three good qualities about themselves. But they can easily list their weaknesses. This shows an inner rule: We believe we are not allowed to value ourselves.
This negative self-image directly affects our relationships. If you feel worthless inside, you look for approval from others. This leads to relationships full of expectations and demands. Instead of asking, „What can I do for you?“, many think, „What do you owe me?“ These power struggles make people unhappy in the long run.
There’s another problem: Many people think they cannot change. They see themselves like a „force of nature.“ They believe their traits are fixed and cannot be changed. So, they prefer to wait for others or situations to change. Change themselves? Okay, if they must, but only so that the core stays the same.
But real growth starts when we take responsibility for ourselves. Stress often happens not because it’s unavoidable. It’s because we don’t dare to change our way of life, our needs, or our work. So, self-love means one main thing: to accept that we can change. And to take responsibility for it. Only then can we meet others as equals.
Blink 2 – Self-love is the only way to fight self-hate.
Stable self-worth is not about always feeling great or being super optimistic. Instead, it means having a deep inner security. It’s the feeling that you are okay, no matter what happens in life. If you are sure of your own worth, you won’t swing between „I am great“ and „I am worthless.“ These strong feelings often come when you lack inner security. You try to make up for it with your emotions.
Healthy self-worth is the base for true ability to form relationships. Only if you accept yourself can you meet others openly and with sensitivity. Sensitivity means truly seeing the other person. It’s not just about trying to fix your own flaws in a relationship. This only works if we are stable inside. We should not constantly need approval from others.
This ability starts early in life. Children learn self-love mostly from the people who care for them. Parents who reject themselves or are very unsure cannot easily give this inner security to their children. So, self-love is also key for good parenting. Only those who are at peace with themselves can truly connect with a child.
If this base is missing, a so-called ‘self-hate complex’ can grow. This means having deep negative beliefs about your own worth. In hard times, like breakups, job loss, or rejection, these old hurts become active. People affected often react too strongly. They react not only to the current situation but also to past hurts. Aggression towards others is often a sign of self-hate.
The most important way out is self-love. People who accept us, even when we reject ourselves, are helpful. Such experiences can start a growth process. In this, we slowly learn to treat ourselves with more kindness. With time and practice, this builds the ability to accept ourselves. Then we can also truly love others.
Blink 3 – Why selfishness and narcissism are not self-love.
Many people think that self-love makes you selfish or narcissistic. But the opposite is true. Selfishness and narcissism come from a lack of self-love, not from too much.
A selfish person tries to use others for their own goals. They constantly need approval from outside. This is because they cannot give it to themselves. This need often shows itself as being hard, cold, and lacking warmth. Selfish people constantly fight for approval and the world’s „yes.“ They don’t understand that it’s about accepting themselves. That’s why they seem so careless. They take from others what they lack inside.
Narcissism is an extreme form of the same problem. Narcissists admire themselves, but not because of true self-worth. They do it to hide their inner insecurity. They can barely value others. Any praise for another person would threaten their weak self-image. Behind the shiny outside, there is often very low self-worth. So, selfishness and narcissism are ways to protect against inner emptiness. They are not signs of healthy self-love.
Feelings of guilt also fit this pattern. They appear not only when we are truly at fault. They also appear in unhealthy relationships. In these, people stay emotionally linked even when they use each other. Some people quickly blame others. Others always take the blame for everything. Both roles serve the same purpose: to make an unsure sense of self-worth more stable.
At its heart, it’s always the same problem. People who cannot accept themselves try to force others to accept them. This leads to relationships where people try to manipulate or feed off each other. Only when we can say ‘yes’ to ourselves can real connections happen. These are relationships where two people meet freely and as equals. They don’t use each other to fill their inner emptiness.
Blink 4 – Stop running away: Self-love needs no escapes.
Until now, we have mainly looked at why a lack of self-love causes so many problems. Now, we will focus on the main question: What can you actually do to treat yourself better?
A first important step is to notice „exits.“ These are all the small ways you escape from yourself. Addiction does not only start when doctors say it does. It starts when you do something so you don’t have to feel yourself. This could be a glass of alcohol in the evening, constant work, sweets, shopping, always being busy, or affairs. All of these can help you avoid bad feelings.
The problem is not the action itself. It is the reason behind it. If you eat chocolate to comfort yourself, or distract yourself because you can’t stand yourself, the enjoyment loses its true value. What could bring joy becomes a way to fight inner emptiness. This is why addiction and enjoyment are opposites. The more you escape, the less you can truly enjoy.
Many people lead a double life. On the outside, they function well. But inside, they move further away from themselves. This inner distance uses a lot of energy. It makes you restless, rushed, and unhappy over time. If you always run away from yourself, you lose touch with your own needs and feelings.
The path to self-love starts with the courage to face yourself. It means staying with yourself, especially when things feel uncomfortable. In this sense, love mainly means one thing: being able to stand being with yourself. No hidden exits or escape routes. This starts with small habits. If you learn to give up these exits, you will discover something surprising. You won’t have to look for yourself anymore. You will find yourself.
A life without constant escape is not a life without joy. It’s the opposite. Only when you stop numbing yourself can you truly feel your life. And that is the first big step towards real self-love.
Blink 5 – Bring order to your life: Clarity creates inner freedom.
If you want to learn to treat yourself better, a surprisingly simple step helps: Bring order to your life.
Order is not an end in itself. It is not a magic spiritual cure. It does not make you automatically happy or enlightened. But it creates the conditions for you to feel yourself at all. A messy life uses a lot of energy. Unfinished relationships, mixed decisions, small lies, half-truths, and open tasks cause inner stress. This stops you from seeing what is truly important.
In this way, order doesn’t start in your closet. It starts inside you. It’s about tidying up where things don’t fit together. For example, where you pretend everything is fine, even though it’s not. Or where you think ‘yes’ and ‘no’ at the same time. Such mixed feelings use up energy and create fear. The more unclear things you carry with you, the less free you feel.
Mindfulness helps you see this disorder. Pay attention to how you speak, how you think, how you act. Where are you not honest with yourself? Where do you avoid making decisions? Where do you put things off because they are unpleasant?
Order does not mean controlling your life perfectly. It means becoming clear inside. Getting rid of dishonesty. Resolving conflicts. Saying things out loud or ending things that haven’t felt right for a long time.
This kind of order is more than just organizing. It is an act of self-love. By making your life clear, you take yourself seriously. You stop overwhelming yourself with inner chaos. You create a space where you can meet yourself. You don’t have to keep avoiding yourself.
Self-love is not just about talking kindly to yourself. It also means taking responsibility for your inner life. The clearer your life becomes, the easier it is to stay with yourself. And that is the core of self-love: being able to stand being with yourself. In a life that is not perfect, but feels right.
Blink 6 – Learn to be alone: Self-love creates inner connection.
Can you barely stand being alone? This might be a sign of a lack of self-love. Many people define themselves almost entirely through others. This means through partners, children, friends, or colleagues. This seems like closeness, but it is often just hidden dependence. If you believe you cannot live alone, you unconsciously try to hold onto others. Fear of being alone leads to control. Neediness turns into power struggles.
Being alone is not the real problem. You feel lonely mainly when you don’t feel safely connected inside. This means you don’t have a stable connection to yourself. You can even feel very lonely in a relationship if too much is left unsaid and true closeness is missing.
The most important step to self-love is to practice being alone. Not as retreating, but as a skill. It’s about building a relationship with yourself. When you learn to be a reliable companion to yourself, loneliness loses its fear. Self-compassion is a key here. Tell yourself clearly: If no one is there, then I am there for myself. I will take care of myself.
Many people escape loneliness by working, distracting themselves, or using addictions. They convince themselves they cannot handle their situation in any other way. Loneliness often makes you blind to connection. Connection with life, with nature, with other people who might be far away.
Self-love here means one main thing: being able to stay with yourself. If you learn to tolerate being with yourself, you will be freer in relationships. You will no longer need others to feel complete. Only then can you truly meet them as equals. Being alone will then no longer be a threat. Instead, it becomes a place where connection grows. A place where you feel good and can return to anytime.
Blink 7 – Be true to yourself: Self-love needs reliability.
To love yourself means to be a reliable person for yourself. It means treating yourself like your best friend. Show yourself kindness, respect, and loyalty. Every deep relationship needs trust. You must be able to rely on each other. This is true first for your relationship with yourself.
Reliability is a key part of self-love. When you know deep down: ‘I can count on myself,’ security grows. You need this security in relationships too. You can love someone a lot. But in the long run, you cannot share your life with unreliable people. And sometimes self-love means exactly this: taking a step back, even if feelings are still there.
At the same time, unreliability often appears where we believe we cannot be left. Especially with people who are very close to us, we take liberties that can be hurtful. And often, we are the biggest victims of our own unreliability. We promise ourselves things, don’t keep them, and disappoint ourselves. Yet, we still keep running away from ourselves.
The most important step is to become reliable towards yourself. Take your plans seriously. Keep your agreements with yourself. And if you don’t succeed, be kind to yourself. Apologize to yourself. Forgive yourself. Self-love does not mean being perfect. It means trying again and again to stay true to yourself.
Discipline is also part of it. But not as force. It’s a sign of self-respect. True self-discipline does not follow the ego. It follows what is truly important to you. It helps you follow your heart’s call.
In the end, self-love shows itself clearly. It is in how reliably you treat yourself. The more you learn to be a good friend to yourself, the less you will feel distant from yourself. And the easier it will be to meet others with love and clarity.
Conclusion
We have now reached the end of this summary. What do you want to take away from it?
Perhaps the idea that self-love is not an abstract concept. It is something very real. It means staying with yourself, taking yourself seriously, and treating yourself kindly. It doesn’t happen all at once. It grows step by step. Every small moment where you face yourself with more clarity and kindness is a step towards a freer and more loving life.
Only you decide what step you want to take next.
Source: https://www.blinkist.com/https://www.blinkist.com/de/books/mit-mir-sein-de